How to give and take advice

Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it is worth. (source)

Throughout our lives, we develop many heuristic tools (rules of thumb) to help us make sense of the world. These rules are distilled knowledge of patterns we observe (or gain insight into) or learn about: causality ("if this, then that"), implication ("this means that"), etc.

Giving advice is simply putting those rules of thumb into words, tailored to a specific context and audience. The more general the advice, the more widely applicable but also less powerful it tends to be. Every rule of thumb can be wrong, so advice can be, too; and the more general it is, the easier it is to misapply it or to find reasons it doesn’t fit a specific case.

Consider Y Combinator's standard advice for startups to "make something people want." At its core, this means, "Identify something people perceive as valuable and are willing to pay for; build that; and get them to use it." Excellent advice for many businesses — not just tech startups — but Ford, Jobs, Musk, and others famously succeeded by doing the opposite: building what they thought customers should want instead of asking them directly.

The devil is in the details of figuring out what will be valuable. Should you wait for a eureka moment, ask around, or build a prototype and see what happens? All of these, and other approaches, might make sense depending on the situation.

So there's another more specific YC advice: "build things and talk to users," which suggests "build a prototype, show it to users, and see if they want it." This approach is fitting for software companies but less so for those building pacemakers or nuclear reactors. It’s also vague on details like how to talk to users, which leads to even more advice on effective user conversations for startups, and so on—advice all the way down.

Good and Bad Advice

Given that all advice comes with caveats, that the old are prone to bore others with advice, and that the young are likely to ignore it, how should we approach giving or taking advice?

The best advice:

  • Has a solid foundation – distilled from substantial experience and based on well-identified rules of thumb.
  • Is highly situational – tailored to the specific context, situation, and people involved.
  • Is actionable – practical enough to drive real-world decisions if applied.
  • Is properly given – presented clearly, with any caveats noted, and offered as a resource, not a command.

A few counter-examples:

  • “Here's my system for winning the lottery” – based on flawed heuristics, often due to incorrect, incomplete, or random data (e.g., survivorship bias).
  • “Use Scrum” – the best methodology depends on the project, team, and numerous other factors.
  • “When in doubt, do the right thing” – nobody intentionally aims to do the wrong thing; the challenge lies in identifying what the “right” thing is.
  • “Just do X, trust me, I know better” – damages the relationship between advice giver and taker, undermining the latter’s agency.

How to Give Advice

Before giving advice, consider why you're doing it and whether you’re the right person to do so. If your motivation is to impress, share your opinion, or simply because you can, think twice. Advice isn’t a command, and the other person is under no obligation to take it, agree with it, or implement it. The best reason to give advice is a genuine desire to help, to share wisdom, and to leave the choice with the other person.

Remember: if you expect your advice to always be followed, then you’re issuing a command, not advice. Even if it’s excellent advice, it can foster insecurity, resentment, or pushback if forced. People, even when they're wrong, have the right to make their own mistakes.

Also, consider whether you have all the relevant facts about the situation and if your experience truly qualifies you to advise. Acknowledge any survivorship bias or gaps in your experience that could affect your perspective. Poor advice can be worse than no advice at all.

Finally, if the other person’s following your advice would benefit you (e.g., financially), disclose that potential conflict of interest — or consider refraining from giving advice altogether. You don’t want to come across as self-serving.

How to take advice

Always receive advice in good faith — it’s a sign someone genuinely wants to help. Even if it’s poorly phrased or if the giver feels frustrated when you don’t follow it, be genuinely appreciative that they’re trying to share their insight.

However, critically assess what they’ve said. Is it drawn from their direct experience, or just something they’ve heard about? Does it account for your specific situation? Watch for randomness mistaken for strategy (survivorship bias). Don’t hesitate to ask questions to understand the advice’s origins, especially if it doesn’t intuitively make sense. Be cautious of the “appeal to authority” fallacy: someone’s position or age doesn’t automatically make them correct.

Treat any advice you get as just another data point to enhance your understanding of the problem, rather than as a directive.

You’ll often encounter conflicting advice. This can be due to differing values or approaches (e.g., “be bold!” vs. “be cautious”), context-specific nuances, or simply because someone is wrong.

Listen to the advice, thank them for it, consider it, and ultimately make your own decision.